I HATE Women

I hate women. The depth of my hatred cannot be matched by any misogynist. It is a passionate hatred which can only be born from the hurt of a Lover.

Total Defeat - 300th Post

This is the 300th published post on this blog. Strictly speaking, this is not really the 300th post. I have one post on 'Addiction' that has been sitting in Drafts for so long. But it is so intensely personal, I have not had the guts to publish it yet. Also, there were a few previously published posts which got deleted. Nevertheless, as things stand now, this is the 300th published post on this blog.

I started blogging about two months after I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. This blog has been a companion through my life since then. It has not been the kind of life I expected at all. It has been intensely tough and trying. I feel like the arid desert has sucked up the love and vitality from my being, leaving it dry and lifeless.

I came to Phoenix in late November 2003 with hopes for a new beginning in life, in love, in my career. When I came here, I had gone through some unhappiness and defeats in life, but I still retained some part of the original happiness and undefeated spirit with which we are all born. Incredibly, I even had some of my original innocence.

The pre-Phoenix unhappiness and defeats were nothing compared to what has happened since then. Now, I have utterly lost it. There is not a single sphere of life in which I feel happiness and contentment, in which I feel I am in control, or at least feel like I am an equal partner with destiny - not in personal life, not in personal relationships, not in my finances, not in my career, and certainly not in love. I am totally tamed, utterly powerless and with no free will to influence any of these aspects of my own life. The loss of spirit is so complete that I don't even know for sure what exactly I want in any of these areas of life!

Is this what they call mid-life crisis?

The state of my life is hard for me to believe. I know it would be unbelievable for anybody who knew me from my previous lifetime. That was a time when I was fiercely independent and strong-willed. I used to live in a kind of special aura or halo which protected me from all the mundane trivialities and hardships of life. I was untouchable and impeccable. I did pretty much what I wanted to do and the Universe had a way of conforming to my will. Eventually, life used to turn out pretty much the way I expected it to go. I got better grades than almost all my friends, got a real job before any of them, travelled abroad before any of them, made more money than them. Success was something that just happened. Love used to be the only thing which did not work like I wanted it to... but I had this blind and total faith that it would eventually work out just right for me.

How did things come to this state? For the most part, I thought I made all the right choices. At every stage, in every circumstance, I did what I thought was the best. But every choice, every action seemed to have totally unexpected and undesirable consequences. All I could do was watch in helpless horror and defeat as each attempt of mine to make things better only resulted in things getting worse. And it all happened so fast. The past four-and-a-half years in Phoenix are a blur. It still feels like I landed here only early last year. Yet, I have stayed here more than double the amount of time I spent in the previous city!

Today, in this early morning hour, I look at each aspect of my life - my personal life, my personal relationships with family, friends, colleagues, my financial situation, my career and my love. And I still shake my head with disbelief. I had never thought that at this point of my life (31.5 years old), I would be in this state or situation, in any of these aspects of my life. I never thought that I would be so simply and totally defeated.

This blog is more about my journey through love, than anything else. So, I'll talk about love. Even at this stage in life, love is as usual the one thing which causes me the most angst and discontent. It is stuck in my throat like a golf ball-sized lump. Can't swallow it, can't spit it out. It chokes my breath and tears my eyes. The utter inability to communicate, to feel, to share, to care, to just BE, together, in unison, in sync for even a single moment is terribly defeating and immensely painful.

Things were simpler and orders of magnitude less painful when my love and defeats were all solitary, one-sided. But the addition of others, their feelings and their angst into the mix multiplies everything exponentially! It is so overwhelming, I am not even able to express it in words... So, I'll just end this here.

21 Tips to my 21-year-old Self

I will be 31 very soon. If I could go back 10 years and meet my 21-year-old self, what advice would I impart to him based on the past 10 years of my life? The following for sure:

1. True love is built over a period of time, by two people who reciprocate the feelings and share many experiences together, both good and bad. That kind of relationship is worth your heart-break and heart-ache, if it does not eventually work out. A relationship in which you are the only person who is in love, while the other person does not reciprocate similar feelings, is not love in its true, real sense. It is just infatuation. Even if your feelings are extremely intense, sincere and earnest, it is still just infatuation. It is okay to feel a little disappointed and sad if such a one-way infatuation does not pan out, but it is certainly not worth your heart-break and heart-ache.


2. Even if the person reciprocates your feelings of sincere infatuation and affection, in their own way, but the two of you don't actually have a relationship, don't even call each other lovers or partners, don't spend time together, sharing the good things and the bad things which life has to offer, then it is not a true love relationship. It is just a two-way infatuation. If this does not turn into a true relationship, there is still no need to go through overwhelming heart-ache and heart-break. A little more disappointment and sadness is alright.


3. Never take more than three steps closer to someone you are interested in, without them reciprocating. In fact, the ideal situation is where both of you simultaneously, or at least alternatively, move closer towards each other taking one equal step at a time. But life is rarely ideal. You being a man, there will be many occasions when you have to take a few more steps closer to a woman, before she will take one step closer to you. Never let these 'few more steps' exceed three steps at any point of time. This is especially important at the beginning of the relationship when you barely know the woman. Don't throw yourself at her and pursue her unless she shows suitable interest and reciprocation. Of course, later on, when the loving partnership is steadily and firmly established, throw these calculations out the window and be totally generous and uncalculative with your beloved.


4. Women who don't express an interest in you during those first three steps, will almost never become interested in you later on. There seems to be an antenna in men and women, especially so in women, which subconsciously tells them very early on, whether they might pursue a relationship with someone. So, don't spend a lot of time and energy taking more than three steps towards someone who does not want to take even one step towards you. Don't think that you will not find love unless you work hard and take a lot of steps towards a lot of women. You don't need to. Repeat: YOU DON'T NEED TO.


5. You will come across women who will admire you and love you, simply for who you are, just for the way you normally live, talk and behave. With the woman who is right for you, you don't have to do anything different or extra, or put in a lot of hardwork and pain to make things work. Things will just work out naturally. All that you need to do is be yourself. Being yourself should include being sincere, being truthful, being clean and nice.


6. When a woman is interested in you, she will let you know. If she admires you or loves you, you will know. If she wants a relationship with you, that will become obvious to you soon enough. So, never ever deceive yourself with thoughts such as: "May be she will become interested in me, if I do this or that"; "May be she is interested in me, but just does not realize it herself"; "May be she wants me, but is simply not showing it"; "May be if I can convince her or just work a little harder, I can win her over"; etc.


7. You are smart, handsome, loving and love-able. There will be many women who think so. Even if you don't hear it from them aloud, you are all those things. So, don't pursue women, desperately seeking your own self-validation. Don't think that you are not handsome or love-able, just because someone you are infatuated with does not reciprocate your feelings. Don't think you are not all these things just because you don't have a girlfriend or a partner yet. There will be women who think you are all these and more, and who will love you for who you are. And, insha-allah, you will have that partner, who is right and perfect for you, who will admire and deserve all your good qualities, and will let you know that in no uncertain terms.


8. Value yourself, your personality, your feelings, your talents, your body. Do not throw them without restraint at every potential love interest. Remember that at the wooing stage, the more easily something is available, the less its perceived value is. By offering things to those who may not want it or seek it on their own, you are only devaluing those things. Don't spend a lot of time, energy and feelings in relationships which don't go anywhere either, or with people who you know will never be your long-term permanent lover-partner. In fact, don't spend any time or energy doing 'romantic' things with such people. Doing this also means de-valuing yourself. It is like throwing your highly valuable personal love into the trash can. You are wasting and throwing away something which actually belongs to your true love. Protect yourself, your time, your feelings, your energy. Keep them safe for the true love who will come into your life. Guard these things jealously for her.


9. Protect your virginity for your true love. It is okay to have pre-marital monogamous sex with your lover-partner, the person with whom you have a true, full-fledged (meaning steady and long-term sharing of life), loving relationship. It is definitely not okay with anybody else. Casual sex might be okay in theory, it might be okay for others. But it is not okay for you. It is an unclean and unhealthy food which won't suit your system nor your long-term health. Worse, it is addictive food; it will weaken your soul, and will cause considerable pain and drain on your emotions like all addictions. Just don't do it, regardless of the opportunities and temptations. You will regret if you do it. You will wish that you could go back in time and re-live your life, without letting yourself get into casual sex. Protect yourself.


10. Just as you have a responsibility to protect yourself, you also have a responsibility to protect other people whose paths will cross yours. Just as you might have weak moments in love and passion, they will too. Just as you will feel hurt and regret when things don't work out, they will too. Protect these nice people who come into your life, whose only mistake (if it can be called that) is to love you, admire you and care for you. Protect them from the hurt that you will cause them or they will cause to themselves. Be especially wary of hurting these nice people in the long-term, while you try to avoid short-term hurt. This is a trap you will fall into repeatedly because you want to be nice to these nice people. Nice is okay. But, be totally honest, open and truthful with them, even if hurts them (and you) in the short term. They will be protected in the long-term. They will admire you for your courage and integrity, if you do that.


11. This needs repeating again: You don't need to do anything to find true love. Just be yourself. Be nice, be clean and truthful, be sincere, be healthy, and above all, be happy and patient. Take all that time and energy you will put into romance and love, and put it into your career, education, hobbies and other interests, into social activities, into smiling. True love will find its way to you on its own. You don't need to do anything else.


12. After that typical Libran Lover brand long lecture about love and romance, let's turn to your career. You will get into a software job. That means, you will have opportunities to go abroad. That means, you need a passport. For god's sake go get it done AT ONCE. Don't be the fool who runs from once government office to another, dragging your father and uncle with you, when opportunity comes knocking and you need a passport in a hurry. Just get it done IMMEDIATELY.


13. The very first time you come to the US, you will want to stay here long-term. Only you won't define what long-term is. You will have some vague notion in your head of long-term being "at least two years or more". Well, guess what, you are going to end up staying here for well over six years. Incredibly, you will spend almost 5 of those years, without actually taking any concrete steps to build the right foundation for a career and for visa/greencard processing, which will both help you stay here for the long term! You will just spend those 5 years with your head buried in the sand of a dead-end job. It will be FIVE long years of no pay increments, while the company's stupid policies will bring in new, junior people who will work under you for higher pay, and the prospect of your work visa expiring at the end of 6 years, which will finally get your ass moving. Do yourself a favor, and start doing something at least at the end of your second year in the US.


14. It won't help your career to be a jack of all trades, and master of none. You will spend much of your career in roles which will give you good exposure to a lot of different things, but just not enough mastery or authority on any one thing. It is an undeniable reality in life that great performers even if it is in lesser jobs get more recognition and satisfaction, than average performers in bigger jobs. The best way to grow in a career is to consistently be a great performer, going from smaller to bigger roles.


15. If you want something in your career, just go get it. This is the exact opposite of the love advice, where you just have to be yourself and love will come to you. In the realm of the career, waiting for things to come to you, or for the company or your boss to give you what you want, will never work. You just have to get it yourself... even if it means quitting the job and getting a different one. Just be clear about what it is exactly that you want, then go get it.


16. Never spend more than 1 hour at work, browsing the Internet for news and technological developments. Make every one of the other 7 hours count for productive work or directly work-related knowledge gain.


17. Don't buy that house in early 2006. Wait until late 2007, when the real estate market in the US is even more in the doldrums, and it becomes a buyer's market with a lot more inventory waiting to be sold. And, don't buy the house until you can make 20% down payment. 10% is just not good enough.


18. Get all the features you want the house to have, right when you buy it. Don't let others talk you into thinking that you can add extra features (like tiled floor rather than the carpet) later on. The "later on" might never come.


19. Buy real tangible gifts for your parents and other family members. Avoid giving them money to buy what they want. They usually won't buy anything. One fine day, you will realize that you have been working for 10 years and not bought a single real gift to your parents, despite sending money for birthdays and such!


20. Don't stop hiking when your regular hiking partners stop. You will find that a year or more has passed by without you hiking a single time, and you are out of shape! Shameful. Get out and hike by yourself, or find new hiking friends and groups. There are plenty out there.


21. Smile more. Don't be lost in your own world when people are around you. Take more interest in them, socialize more.

Mom's Care No More

Last night, in a moment of intense anguish, I called out to my mother. I have not done that in such a long time - called out to her, that is. I don't even remember when was the last time I called out to her.

Anyway, my mother is in India. So, she could not hear my call. Nevertheless, a few minutes later, she called me on the phone. Only to tell me that she is getting admitted to a hospital today for a surgery. I am very concerned and worried for her health.

This is a milestone in my life. This is when I realize that I can no longer fall back on my mother's care. And that, it is now my turn to take care of my parents.

Oh, I am sure my parents care for me a lot. They are very concerned about me, and I am sure they would want to comfort and support me in my times of need. But my problems and concerns will only trouble them more.

I have always been an independent child. In fact, I have actively tried not to involve my parents too much in my personal challenges and difficulties. I have never really been able to fully express my pain and worries to them, for fear of getting them more worried. This is truer now than ever before.

Although I never really wanted to rely on them, there was some comfort in knowing that they are there, in case I needed to rely on someone. But now, this realization that I should take care of them rather than relying on them, makes me feel especially lonely.

Loneliest thing I have done

I am used to doing things alone. Most of the times. I don't usually have buddies interested in the same things as I am. So, for most of my life, I have been going to places or events alone, and then making friends there. I never really minded it. In fact, I liked making new varieties of friends, in new places.

I am now sitting in a clinic for my immigration medical exam (and blogging on my phone). There are couple of other Indian guys here. They both seem to be here with their wives. Both wives are good looking. As I sit here and listen to them having their idiosyncratic conversations that don't really mean anything, I realize that this immigration thing is the most lonely thing I have doing in my life.

I personally don't know anyone who is doing this alone. Most Indians are married by the time they reach this stage in their immigration process. They do it with their spouses.

I am not feeling lonely only because I am doing this alone. I'm feeling lonely more because I realize that this immigration thing has the potential to put some serious distance between the Love of My Life and myself. Each step, each form, each activity in this process is depressing and tortuous.

I had pretty much accepted that this step would come about 3-4 years from now. But the state department advanced the dates by a huge deal. Why did this have to come now, in the middle of everything else I'm dealing with??

State of Tears

Just got off a painful 28-minute phone call with mom. She kept trying to persuade me to get married, to consider the girls she'd like to find for me.

I kept telling her, "Don't want."

She kept asking me, "Why don't want? What do you mean by, 'don't want'? What do you want? What do you have in mind? What are your intentions? If not now, when would you want?" So on, and so forth.

I kept telling her, "Don't want."

Then she said, "Don't say that you don't want now, and then find yourself in a state of tears later."

Poor mom. Doesn't know that her son is already in a state of tears.

Lawyer's Turn

Finally it was my lawyer's turn today to advise me to get married!

For the past year or more, pretty much everybody I know has advised, requested, ordered or scolded me to get married. My wedding is the most common subject people bring up with me in conversations - whether it is in casual parties or office rest rooms. I am not exaggerating about the rest room part - I have lost count of the number of people who casually ask me when I am going to get married, when they run into me in the rest room, of all the places! WTH!

Today my immigration attorney advised me to get married as soon as possible. Here's the background: The latest visa bulletin from the US State Department states that the priority dates for all categories of employment-based immigration visas (read green cards) are 'Current'. Just last month, the priority date was four years ago! What this means is that the waiting period to get the green card has been reduced from about 5 years to about 1 year for people like me.

This is a huge leap forward. An important life-changing event for thousands of Indians who are in the green card queue in the US, freeing up their employment and travel potential. This is one of those extremely rare occurences in the history of US greencard processing for Indians. It is as rare as a particularly auspicious planetary alignment.

Everybody who is affected by this is overjoyed and scrambling to get their green card process jumped forward as quickly as possible. Everybody that is, except single Indians like me. I am one of the very few people this month, who must have asked their attorneys to not go forward with their green card process. You see, if my green card gets processed for me as a single person, it will be extremely hard for my future wife to join me in the US from India. It is always advisable for green card processing to be done along with the spouse (and kids, if any).

So my attorney's advice was for me to get married as soon as possible because they don't know when we'll have a chance like this again.

Marriage questions

A few months ago, the NY Times published a set of 15 Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.

I am nowhere close to getting married now. But as an intellectual exercise, I thought it would be interesting to answer these questions now, and then see how I will answer these questions when I am actually getting married. After all, I am answering these questions alone now, and when I am closer to getting married, I will be answering these with somebody else. So, here are the questions and my answers to them.

Q: Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Yes, we will have children. The mother will be the primary care giver. I will be the primary bread earner.

Q: Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Yes, we have three financial goals:
1. Use our money to ensure a comfortable living, to express our love by buying things which will please each other, and provide security to both of us.
2. Use our money to keep our children educated and healthy.
3. Use our money to provide for a secure retirement - this is an extension of the first, I guess.

Do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? We will trust and support each other's judgment, of course. We will both be sensible for the most part... With an occasional bout of impulsiveness to delight and excite each other. I mean, how can I resist an expensive necklace, if that will delight her to the point of seducing me wearing the necklace and nothing else that evening? Or a trip to a beautiful place to make everlasting romantic memories?

Q: Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

The house will be clean. That's the primary thing. Since I expect to be the primary bread winner, I guess my wife will be the primary manager of the house itself. She will decide what goes where, what color, what decor, what brand of paper towels, etc. I will help her (or bother her! ;-)) when she cooks, cleans, does the dishes. We will also have special days and nights when I'll play master chef.

Q: Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

We will. My full physical history is more or less disclosed. The final tests are awaited. I don't have any history of mental issues.

Q: Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

This will be a certain "yes". If not, if there are any doubts, there is no point getting married, is there? It makes me happy when my partner is happy with my affections.

Q: Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Yes, of course. It's nice to be able to do that.

Q: Will there be a television in the bedroom?

No, of course, not. In the bedroom, all our attention will be on sleep... or on each other! ;-) Or may be on the books we are reading... or reading to each other.

Q: Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

I think I do. Even during the times I don't, I try my sincere best to do.

Q: Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

We are committed to Sanaatana Dharma. We will live our life for the Dharmic actualization of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa.

Our children will be exposed to our Dharma from the moment they are made. For, they will be made with our love, which stands on the steady, deep and firm foundation of our Dharma.

If I am not able to introduce my children to certain aspects of Dharma because of my caste, my wife and her family will introduce them. It is important for us that our children the guidance, encouragement and exposure to the right path.

Q: Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

I hope we do.

Q: Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

Our parents have played a significant role in making us who we are. If we value and respect each other, we will almost certainly value and respect each other's parents also. Our parents will be integral part of our lives. However, they will not "interfere" in our relationship. I will certainly not allow anybody - friends, family or parents - to alienate me from my wife.

Q: What does my family do that annoys you?

Don't know. I hope there won't be anything serious.

Q: Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

Yes - each other!

Q: If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

I am already far from my family... Eventually, when my parents are much older, they will end up living with us. Her parents, may not live with us. But I hope they will be close. I have seen too many friends and colleagues in the near past, who had to rush to India (from the US) in a hurry, when their parents fell ill. I wouldn't want to put my wife or myself through that.

Q: Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Yes, of course. Once again, there is no point in getting married if we were not confident of that - confident not only in the other person, but also confident in our own hearts.

Dharma-Patnī

Today, I learnt something amazing. I was re-reading the dialog between Krishna and Uddhava on love and lust. I came across this passage:

'Remember what the Gods did in the days of old,' continued Krishna. 'They had to offer sacred Purusha to make creating possible. Without a sacrificial offering, you cannot create anything,' said Krishna as if speaking to himself. 'If you want a woman, you have to offer something: a present, a house to live in, lifelong protection. But in that way you will only get a woman, her body, her services. The offering however is like sacrificing ghee or barley or a lamb to obtain a place in heaven. If you want a divinity to inspire you to Dharma and multiply your strength a hundredfold, you must offer something vastly greater. Have not the Gods said: 'By the spirit of sacrifice alone shall sacrifice prosper?'

Reading that, led to great epiphany!

The above passage is from a dialog in which Krishna explains to Uddhava, the difference between love and lust. In the above passage, Krishna goes deeper still to discern an ordinary wife from a wife, who is a spiritual partner forever, who is a co-traveller on the road of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa*, who is a true Dharma-Patnī.

Krishna says that an ordinary wife is obtained by offering a present, a house to live in, life long protection. But to get a Dharma-Patnī, one has to offer 'something vastly greater'.

It is impossible to offer something vastly greater to someone barely known, as in an arranged marriage situation. Even in a marriage where the couple have known each other before the wedding and fallen in love, it is extremely rare that they would go through experiences which cause them to make this offer of something vastly greater. In most marriages, such experiences and realizations come much after the wedding, after the couple have gone through many ups and downs together. That is why, the older generations of Indians, who mostly went through arranged marriages, used to say that love is something that happens after marriage.

In an ideal arranged marriage, the groom's family choose a girl who has the potential to become an ideal Dharma-Patnī. Then, the couple go through life together, sharing the pains and pleasures, and hopefully discovering that which would get them to truly commit to something vastly greater.

All my life, I have sought exactly that kind of a Dharma-Patnī, a partnership where we are both committed to something vastly greater than our individual selves, a partnership that would inspire us on the path of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa, and increase our combined strength a hundredfold.

When I found such a person, I was not ready, so I could not make the proper sacrifice. I had to go through a lot of pain, through a purifying fire, to be ready to participate in this sacrifice. Now, by the grace of the Goddess, I am ready to offer that something vastly greater, to participate in this yajña with my Dharma-Patnī.

Unfortunately, my actions of the past have caused her to not be ready now. So, I have to wait for her to have a similar realization, before we can do this yajña together. Hopefully, her realization will come soon and with no pain. Until then, I shall keep myself pure and committed to her.



*Incidentally, there is a reason why dharma (Dharma), artha (wealth), kāma (lust) and mokṣa (liberation) are usually written in that order. The idea is that the pursuit of artha and kāma must always happen within the limiting bounds of dharma and mokṣa!

Master Bedroom

I slept in the master bedroom of my house for the first time last night.

When I moved into this new house in June 2006, I had my old bed moved to the second bedroom. I wanted to get a new bedroom set for the master bedroom, and that would take time. So, I ended up sleeping in the second bedroom all these days.

Last night, I moved to the master bedroom. I had to sleep on a sleeping bag. I have ordered the new bedroom set. It's not here yet. But I decided to make the move anyway.

My old bed has a lot of baggage, pain and trauma associated with it. It feels appropriate to leave it behind while I make a fresh, clean start in my personal life.

It felt a little weird trying to sleep in the master bedroom last night. I felt nostalgic for my past. This is the passing of an era, a phase in my life, so to speak. I felt like running back to my old bed... at least until the new master bedroom set arrived. But I just shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep on the sleeping bag. It was not a bad sleep.

Anti-Accident Prone

I have always believed that I am anti-accident prone. I don't usually have accidents. On the very rare occasions when I do, I escape with less damage than most other people in similar situations.

Imagine being the driver of that wreck you see in the picture, and imagine coming out of it literally unscathed except for a couple of very tiny cuts on the face. Imagine fishing out small pieces of glass from the inner corner of your eyes, next morning, after two showers, and yet there being no damage to the eyes whatsoever!

We were driving to the Grand Canyon, on the night of March 31st, 2007. About 30 miles out of Flagstaff on State Route 180 West, at 10:15 PM, we collided with an elk. It was a big deer, taller than my car. It was half in my lane when I noticed it. It was walking onto the road from the dark woods. It was too late to brake and stop. So, I swung left trying to avoid it. The poor animal decided to charge straight ahead, intending to get across the road before I reached it. It never had a chance. It hit the right side of the front of my car, swung over the hood and crashed into my windshield. It's head and torso hitting my side (driver's side) of the windshield, with enough impact to dent the top of my car roof! Thankfully, the elk seemed to be a female with no antlers. If it had antlers, they would have come straight through my windshield and gone through my head killing me at once!

I was too much in a shock to stop immediately after the impact. I drove forward about 50 meters or so, and then pulled over to the side. I asked my roommate, who was in the passenger seat, if she was okay. She was literally untouched. She appeared to be shocked and scared, but otherwise physically quite fine.

There was no cell phone signal where we had the accident. So, we could not call for help. We decided to drive back to Flagstaff. We turned the car around, expecting to see the dead elk on the road. But it was nowhere to be seen. It had probably moved off into the woods... probably to die a painful death. I feel great sorrow for it.

We drove for 45 minutes or more, in under 40 F, sometimes under 35 F temperature. We got a motel room in Flagstaff, called my insurance, who recorded a claim over the phone and went to sleep. The insurance person who took my claim said I don't have to notify the police as nobody was injured... except for the elk and my car.

If only it had been a rental car, instead of my own... I could have chalked all this off as an adventure in the past and moved on with life. But now, I have to deal with a wrecked car. The car is sitting in the collision center right now, awaiting inspection by the insurance people. I will keep this blog updated on what happens next.

Meanwhile, I feel very lucky and thankful to be alive and well. I realize how fragile and unpredictable life is. Makes me think that there is no time to be wasted in not doing what my heart wants to do.

Bangalore Notes - Feb 16th to 23rd, 2007

Feb 16th, 2007

Returned from Chennai to Bangalore on this day with my sister by the Bangalore Express. Something interesting happened in the train.

The train seats were bench-like and very uncomfortable. It was not possible to lean back or stretch or feel free... especially with the elbow and knees of the passenger in the next seat touching me. So, I spent a lot of time standing at the door, looking out the running train. At some point, an old lady with a small kid occupied my seat. I did not have the heart to ask her to vacate my seat. So, when I felt tired of standing at the door, I occupied an empty seat, which was about 20 rows away from mine, beside someone who seemed like a high school boy. On the other side of this boy was a girl and they seemed to be extremely cozy together. I saw them touch each other, put hands on each others shoulders and at one point, I even saw the boy lean over and sleep on the girl's shoulder and lap. I was pretty surprised, thinking that young people these days were quite openly affectionate, indeed.

Most of the surrounding seats were occupied by kids who seemed to be from highschool or college. I guessed that they must all be from the same school or college, returning from some camp or sports tournament. I made smalltalk with the boy and he did confirm that they were from two different colleges and they were returning from a sports tournament. I was surprised to discover that the boy actually went to a degree (undergrad) college. Sometime later, one of their teachers who had been sitting a little bit away, got up and started talking to all the kids. When he saw me sitting among them, he asked the boy beside me who I was. The boy said that he did not know who I was. The teacher then turned to me and quite rudely asked me who I was and why I was sitting beside a girl. I was taken aback by his rudeness as well as by the fact that he claimed I was sitting beside a girl. I turned to look at the boy beside me and only then did I realize that the very young looking boy with short hair was actually a girl. I told him that I did not know it was a girl. Everybody around us started laughing. I felt awkward for embarrassing the girl. I apologized to her and vacated the seat.

Before I wind up the account of my visa-stamping trip, here's a break-down of the expenses. I like to record these expenses because I think it will be interesting to compare them with the prices years from now.

Visa stamping consulate fees – Rs. 4600 (supposed to be $100)
VFS (agency which facilitates the appointments) fees – Rs. 281
Hotel expenses for one night, including buffet dinner and breakfast – Rs. 3156

The hotel expenses included a whopping Rs. 60 for a 10-minute phone call from the hotel reception to Citibank because my new debit card would not work to pay my hotel bill. This was the only unpleasant part of my stay at this hotel. I had not expected them to charge me for that call, let alone such an exorbitant rate!

Autorickshaw charges:

Rickshaw drivers in Chennai still refuse to use meters. All of the following charges were unmetered and negotiated, including the charge in Bangalore.

Chennai Central Railway Stn to the hotel in Royapettah – Rs. 70
US Consulate to Hotel – Rs 30
Hotel in Royapettah to my sister's home in Jawaharnagar – Rs. 150
Sister's Home to Central Railway Stn – Rs. 80
Bangalore Central Railway Stn to my home in NandiniLayout – Rs. 60


Feb 17th, 2007

Late in the afternoon, I went with my friend Nagendra to give my sister's wedding invitation cards to few of my friend's homes.

I visited Veena's home for the first time in my life. She was my college classmate. I have known her since 1997, and only now I got to actually go to her house. But she did not invite me inside the house. She was on her way out with her uncle, and all of us sat in her front patio/verandah, where she served us coffee and talked to us. Nagendra was teasing her telling that she does not invite bachelor guys inside the house. She said, “Yeah”. I did not find that very amusing.

From there, we went to my friend KP's home. He got married since the last time I saw him. There was some puja going on at his house. I saw a couple of young girls hovering around the puja area, along with his parents and KP. I was wondering if one of them was his new wife, but they seemed too young to be so. After the puja, KP told us that the two girls were his sister's kids. I was shocked! I had seen them during my college days, when they were just tiny tots. They were so grown up now. KP's wife was upstairs and she came down to be introduced to us. She seemed quiet, nice and had a sweet smile. She seemed like a good match to him.

From there, we went to my friend Kumar's home. He is Veena's husband and he is in the UK right now. We met his parents and invited them to my sister's wedding. His mother is quite ill, recovering from major hip surgery (I think).

Our final stop for the night was Vikram's home. I was meeting him for the first time after his dad expired on Jan 29th. I felt very bad for him. There was an awkwardness, which I had never felt before with him. I did not know what to say or do. We just made some meaningless small talk. I was glad that I had Nagendra there with me to take away some of the awkwardness with his own conversations. I asked him to come to my sister's wedding, but he said he did not want to go anywhere for upto 3 months after his dad's death.


Feb 18th, 2007

I was supposed to meet the Aptech gang for dinner and movie today. After much calling around and trying to get things organized, it looked like most of them would not make it. As of this morning/afternoon, I thought at least Sidda, his wife, Deepak (his wife Geetanjali, was visiting Tirupati with her family, he said) and Nagendra would be there. But only Deepak turned up. He picked me up from my home in his Tata Indigo car. We went to Garuda Mall. We caught up on stuff on the way to the Mall. He surprised me by telling me about being jailed on his last birthday! I was shocked. He has always been upto some adventure or another all his life. So, this news should not have been very shocking, but being in jail still shocked me.

Apparently, on his birthday, his car had been parked in a no-parking zone, while he and his friends had tea at some restaurant. When they came out, they found a cop giving them a ticket. They took the ticket and made some flippant remark. It got the cop worked up. Words were exchanged. And finally the cop booked them falsely on charges of attempt to assault a policeman, and took them to jail for the day. The next day they were out on bail, and the case is still doing the rounds of the Indian court system. Deepak talked about how people were calling him up to wish him for his birthday, while he was sitting in the lockup. He had to lie to his family and some of the close friends telling that he was out partying with friends and could not come home for the night! Damn, that must have sucked. All this over just a small flippant remark!

Anyway, we went to the Garuda Mall and bought tickets for the movie Ekalavya. This would be my first visit to a multiplex in India. I did some clothes shopping as Shopper's Stop, as there was lot of time for the movie to start.

We did something stupid when we were shopping. We were told that if our purchases totalled upto Rs 2500, we would get 5% cash back. At first, I had bought stuff for only around Rs. 1500. So, I decided to buy one more item I liked. That brought our total just Rs. 3 short of Rs. 2500. So, we had to buy some other small item. The cheapest small item there was a set of 5 handkerchiefs for Rs. 100. I bought that. It was only later that I realized what a fool I had been. I was surprised that Deepak, who is usually very calculative, had also not been sharp enough this time. Perhaps, he was tired of just hanging around while I spent time picking up clothes for myself.

The 5% cash back from Rs. 2500, amounts to Rs 125. I had purchased handkerchiefs worth Rs. 100, just because I was Rs. 3 short of the eligibility for cash back. That effectively made my cash back amount just Rs. 25! It gets worse – I did not have to buy the handkerchiefs to make up for the shortage of Rs. 3 at all. The tax on my purchases was more than enough to get me comfortably over the Rs. 2500 mark. But it gets even worse than that – I just checked my bank statement from Feb, and discovered that Citibank has not given me cash back, like they were supposed to. Grrr! I am going to write to them now!


Feb 19th, 2007

I went to the Bangalore University campus with my father today, to get the transcripts of my B Sc course. My father had previously called up somebody in the University office, and they had asked him to send me to the University when I was in India, along with an application form I could get from my college. They told him that it was not a big deal to get the transcripts. I just had to get the form from my college and submit it at the University office, and I would get the transcripts. The way the guy had explained the process to my father, my father got the impression that it would all be done within a day! Great expectations from bureaucrats!

Our first stop was at my college office to get the application form. The idiots in my college office did not even know what a transcript is. They did not understand what I wanted, and they said they don't have any forms for transcripts. I explained to them what a transcript is. They said if I have a format for the transcript, I should bring it and show it to them, they would themselves prepare the transcript in that format and give it to me. My dad and I decided to go check at the University office.

We reached there at around 1 PM or so. We met the guy with whom my father had talked on the phone. We were told that we should first pay fees for the application form to apply for the transcripts and for the transcripts themselves, at the State Bank of Mysore branch on Avenue Road. Then, we should bring the receipt from the bank to the University office to show them that we had paid the application fees. They would then give us the application, which should be taken to my college for my Principal's signature. The duly signed and authorized form should then be submitted back at the University office, along with copies of my degree certificate and marks cards, envelopes for the transcripts, and the receipt from the bank showing that I had paid the fees for the transcripts.

We paid the fees at the bank, showed the receipt at the University office, got the application form and took it my college. The University has a common application form for all types of documents – to get duplicates of marks cards or certificates, corrections to them, re-grading of exam answer scripts, transcripts, etc. This application form is available in all the colleges under the purview of Bangalore University, including my college. The idiots in my college office did not know it was this form that we were asking for only because they did not know what the hell a transcript was. If only they had known that it was this form, we could have filled it out during our first visit to the college and submitted it at the University office, during our first visit there. Now, we had to visit both the places twice. After getting the principal's signature, my father and I came back home. I will have to take the application form to the University tomorrow, as it was already quite late. I also discovered that Mr Borgalli, the Physics lecturer from my college days was the Head of Department for Physics now, and he was also signing forms on behalf of the Principal.

Oh, for the record, I think the fees for each set of transcripts at Bangalore University is Rs. 150 or so. I forget the exact amount. The fee for the application form itself is Rs. 10.


Feb 20th, 2007

Met Vikram first thing in the morning, opposite Malleshwaram club, next to the Malleshwaram grounds. I was using my father's Kinetic Honda to ride around. He took me to the Bullet service shop behind Nataraja Talkies, where he had given my Bullet for servicing. My Bullet was in good running condition. It just needed a little bit of work here and there, battery recharging, brakes, lights and electricals, rear view mirrors and small stuff like that. The guy at the shop told me that it would be ready next day.

From there, I went to the University and submitted the application form for my transcripts. They told me that it would be available for me on Monday, Mar 5th. But I was leaving back for the US on Sunday, Mar 4th! They told me that I could go by and check the week before Mar 5th, to see if it was available. If I was lucky, I might get it. I cursed my luck for missing it by just 1-2 days. If only my college office guys had given me the application form the first time I visited them yesterday, I might have been able to submit the application at the University yesterday itself, and I would have gotten my transcripts on the Friday or Saturday before I left India on Sunday! Damn!

From the University, I went to meet my old and very good friend Brij at his office on Lavelle Road. He has been my friend from my days in Wipro. I think I met him in 1998 or 1999, when I still worked in Wipro's MG Road office. There was an instant friendship between us since then. Brij took me for lunch at the Woodlands Hotel. They have a very good South Indian lunch there. It is simple, homely fare. The dining room itself was quite small and very plain. I was quite surprised. Woodlands is supposed to be a big, 5-star hotel, and I had expected a far richer ambience and food. But I was not disappointed, though. The food was very good. Just the kind of homely South Indian food I love and yearn for.

After lunch, we walked back to Brij's office and spent some time chatting there. Then, I left his office, proceeding for my roommate's home in JP Nagar. I took the Bannerghatta Road to JP Nagar, and for the first time, rode across the IBM office on Bannerghatta road. I felt very touched and almost wept when I saw that office because it brought back memories of my girlfriend, Sh, talking to me from there. It was when she was working there that I ran into her online. It was from there that we had our many arguments and disagreements. It was there that she wept so many times, in so much pain. I felt like stopping my Kinetic Honda there and weeping myself. But I pushed on.

After spending a few minutes on the wrong road, I found my roommate's home. Her parents were expecting me. I spent a few minutes there talking to them. Then I picked up the stuff they wanted to send with me for my roommate and for our home use.

From there, I came home, dropping by my grandmother's house on the way.


Feb 21st, 2007

This morning, I went with my father to the Bullet service shop. On the way, we bought a helmet for myself, from a curbside seller near Vivekananda college. The traffic police in Bangalore have finally come round to strictly enforcing the helmet rule for all riders of two-wheelers. This is something they had been trying to do for a long, long time... almost from before I was born, I think. All previous attempts had been half-hearted, largely ignored by the public, before the cops gave up. But this time, it was being strictly enforced. In fact, I myself wore helmet for the first time in my life during this trip to India, when riding my father's Kinetic Honda. It was darned awkward and uncomfortable. The guy who sold us the helmet quoted a price of Rs. 480 for it. My father insist that we would pay only Rs. 300. I thought that was a difference from his quoted price. If I was alone, I think I would have paid Rs. 400. The guy asked for Rs. 400 and then Rs. 350. But my dad was quite adamant, to my surprise. He knew the going rate for helmets and the guy agreed to that rate without too much trouble.

Then, we got my Bullet. I felt so happy to be riding it, although I also felt a little awkward and shaky because I was riding it after at least two years. But it's amazing how quickly I got back the hang of riding it in that Bangalore traffic, which was heavier than ever. I took the Bullet home and had lunch. After lunch, I met my friend Nagendra and together, we went to the RTO office in Rajajinagar to get the fitness certificate for my 1984 bullet. We reached there at around 3 PM, and we were told that we had to come at 10 in the morning to even get the application form for the fitness certificate. I got the emission certificate for the Bullet from a private emission testing center opposite the RTO office. Then, I returned home via my grandmother's house.

My grandmother is not keeping too well. She seems to have grown so much weaker and older in just the past few years. The change is very swift and surprising. I can even see dark patches in her facial skin, which is a sure sign of very old age. I feel very sad.

I came home and chatted with my gf Sh over the Internet. It was not very pleasant. Something she said during the chat affected me very badly. I don't want to repeat what she said, but it was something she said might happen to her because of me. I literally felt my heart drop a couple of inches. I felt a constriction in my chest. I felt like I was getting a heart attack. I cried with much grief for what she had said, feeling so helpless and powerless and almost going crazy myself.


Feb 22nd, 2007

I went to the RTO early today morning with Nagendra. He had to get his license renewed. While he was getting that done, I was approached by a middleman, an agent, who said that he would get my Bullet's fitness certificate done and delivered to my door for Rs. 1000. I settled on Rs. 750, on the condition that he did not have to deliver it to my door. I would come to the RTO, submit the forms and collect it myself. The actual fees to get it legitimately is Rs 500. But from past experience at RTOs, I knew that getting it through the straight road would involve a lot of difficulties and effort, and did not guarantee results. I was in India on a short 3-week visit. I did not have time to spend a lot of time trying to get a fitness certificate for the pleasure of riding my Bullet and keeping it on the road for a long time. So, against my mind and heart, I agreed to go through the middle-man. When Nagendra heard about the amount I had settled for, he thought it was too much by at least Rs. 100.

The middle-man guided me on the process, the forms I needed to fill, what to fill in, etc. Otherwise, he was not of much help. I had to stand in all the lines to get the forms, submit them, etc. Nagendra told me that I did another mistake by giving the guy the money in advance. If I had not done so, the guy would have done all the legwork for us, he said. What the hell! Nagendra was standing right in front of me when I gave the guy the money. If Nagendra knew that I should not give it to him in advance, he should have stopped me right then. Anyway, it was too late now.

We got and filled up the form to get the fitness certificate. But before we could submit the form, I had to get my Bullet insured. Now, this was a tricky situation for us. The RTO won't give us fitness certificate without insurance. And the insurance company would not insure the Bullet without a fitness certificate, or so we were told.

Nagendra took me to an insurance company a couple of miles away, where he thought he knew somebody. We went into the insurance office, the officer there would not even look at the Bullet. He flat out refused to insure it because it was from 1984. I was disappointed. Nagendra asked around about the guy he was supposed to know in the office. Somebody told us that the guy had gone to a 'Xerox shop' close by and he should be back soon. We waited for him outside. He came soon enough, met us, told us that he could get it done. He went inside, came out with some forms for me to sign. About half an hour later, I had the insurance papers for my Bullet. Without anybody even taking a proper look at it! The insurance fees was Rs. 393. The guy who helped us refused to take money because he knew Nagendra. But I was so happy and relieved, I insisted that he take Rs. 100.

On the way back to RTO, Nagendra and I had lunch at the MTR restaurant near Bhashyam Circle in Rajajinagar. It was very good limited lunch for Rs. 40.

By the time we came back to the RTO with the insurance papers, it was too late to get my Bullet inspected for fitness certificate. Apparently, two-wheeler inspections happen at 11 AM in the morning, the middle-man told us. What the hell! Why didn't he tell us that before? I was so angry. But there was nothing to be done now. We would have to come back again tomorrow.

In the evening, I met A, whom I had first seen on the 14th. I did not really want to meet her. But having met her in person once before, I did not feel good brushing her off over the phone. I decided to meet her in person and tell her my feelings. I picked her up from the Gangenahalli bus stop. We went to Sankey Tank. I was really impressed by the clean-up work that was done in and around Sankey tank. It was pleasant and popular park-like place now for people to visit, walk and hang out. I spent much of the time quietly enjoying the lake, the trees, the birds, the birds' nests, etc. Later A would tell me that while I was enjoying the place, she was observing how I was enjoying the nature.

From Sankey Tank, we went to Shanti Sagar at Bhashyam Circle in Sadashivanagar. We had chaats and icecreams. The bill came up to Rs. 144. The service staff at the restaurant would not allow us to talk in peace. They kept pestering us to buy something. Very irritating. Nevertheless, I managed to tell her that I was in no position right now to start any new relationship, especially not a relationship like ours, which was kinda-sorta arranged. I told her that I was still emotionally tied up to my feelings for my gf. But she did not want to let things go abruptly like that. She did not try to force me or plead with me, to give her credit. She reasoned that may be if we got to know each other better and spent more time talking to her, my feelings might change. I told her that I did not think so, I did not see that happening any time soon, and I did not want her to wait indefinitely for me. Finally we agreed that she could wait for a month and a half, and if my opinion had not changed by then, she should move on.

News as of May 16th: As things turned out, I did not wait for a month and half. Pretty soon after I came to the US, I told A that her wait for futile. I came to know from my mother that her family was very disappointed with my decision. Even later, she told me that she was quite disappointed too. But it did not take long for her to find somebody else, who lives and works in Bangalore. She will be getting engaged to him soon. I hope she will have a nice and happy married life. She is a nice and pleasant person, might have probably made a good wife for me (I did not have any complaints about her as a person). But my heart was not into her. My heart is tied up elsewhere. As I mentioned in this post, I don't want to compromise on love.


Feb 23rd, 2007
Went to RTO in the morning, along with Nagendra. After waiting from 10 AM to almost 1 PM, the inspector who was to inspect the vehicles for fitness certification came up. He walked around my Bullet. Then we had to wait for another half an hour or more before he said my Bullet had cleared the inspection. I would be getting the Fitness Certificate at 3 PM tomorrow. I got the receipt from the RTO office. Then, we parked my Bullet at Kumar's house. Nagendra and I went to Bangalore Central to shop for clothes for myself, for my sister's wedding. On the way to Bangalore Central, we stopped at this new restaurant called Halli Mane in Malleshwaram. The place was jam-packed, totally crowded. It seemed to be very popular. The food was very good. There were signs all around which advertised the attention to cleanliness and hygiene at the restaurant. I had their limited plate meals for Rs. 12, plus a raagi mudde for Rs. 5. Both were awesome. The payasa made of gus-guse was the best of all!

I took 2 hours to choose two shirts, two pants, and a kurta-pyjama set at Bangalore Central. Nagendra got very impatient during that time. Later he would claim that I spent 4 hours to shop! It was pretty late in the evening by the time we finished. By that time, my parents had called Nagendra's cell phone 2-3 times.

Today, we had the nalungu ceremony for my sister S, who is getting married soon. This is the ceremony in which all the women of the family, and female relatives and friends, apply turmeric paste, sandal paste, flowers, rose water and other traditional cosmetics to the face, arms and legs of the bride.

Defeated in Love

Love has been a life-long quest. I have sought the true companion, the soul-mate since as far back as I can remember, even as a very small child. There has always been a need for the partner who is compatible in body, mind and spirit; with whom I share open, uninhibited and complete affection, attraction and bonding; with whom I would be totally happy and at complete peace, sharing every aspect of our lives with each other.

However, true companionship has always been elusive, despite the many nice people I met and shared a connection with. Now, at 30, I am a very tired and defeated man.

I like to sing, I love to sing, and there is always a song in my mind, heart or mouth. I have mostly sung solo. I have never met anyone who could truly sing duets with me. I have met many people who can sing well, who are trained in music, who love to sing just as I do; I have even met people who have wanted to sing with me; heck, I have even sung a duet or two with them. Yet, the one who can truly sing with me – the one who can match my voice, pitch, range and style, the one who knows, understands and can sing a similar repertoire of songs from different languages and time periods – has eluded me. Even the few people I have met, who can match my singing in most of the ways, are not able to sing with me for one reason or the other.

The story of my love life is no different. Despite the many fine people I have met, despite some of them liking me, despite a few of them even loving me, I have mostly been alone. I have not been able to find anybody to share all aspects of my life with.

What have I not done for love? I have lied, cheated, debased and dishonored myself, allowed myself to be cursed and insulted, lost my principles, my character, my sense of self-worth, my self-confidence, my innocence and idealism, my enthusiasm and zest for life, and lot more… all for the sake of love. I have never misrepresented myself – that is, shown myself to be somebody I am not, or exaggerated things about me – to win somebody’s love. However, I have lied and cheated to ‘protect’ the one I loved (and who I thought loved me) from getting hurt… or so I have told myself. Regardless of the motivations, reasons and excuses, lying and cheating causes incredible damage, it eats away the very fabric of life. I have always known that. Yet, I have risked even that for the sake of love.

What have I not done for love? So much time, effort and energy spent for it. So much suffering and heartache endured. I have not fully enjoyed some of the best years and moments of my life simply because my mind and heart were elsewhere, engaged (and usually hankering/suffering) in the throes of love, in the pursuit of someone with whom I wanted to sing my song at the time. It is a tremendous amount of effort and energy spent in this pursuit - so much that, I am surprised that I have been able to achieve anything else in life with the leftover energy. If I never loved, if I could have channeled all that mental, emotional, spiritual attention, energy and power into some other cause, I am certain that I would have achieved something world-class by now.

Anyway, having put in all that time and effort into love, despite the defeat, I don’t want to give up on it. I don’t want to compromise and just go through the shopping-cum-business-transaction of an arranged marriage. That won’t work for me. I want the crazy enthusiasm, blind trust, naïve openness, singing heart and total commitment of love. Only then will I marry. Until I have such a love, I’d rather stay defeated, than just ‘settle’ in life.

Chennai Notes – Feb 15th 2007 – Visa-stamping Interview & Sister’s Home

My visa-stamping interview at the US Consulate was at 9 AM. I arrived there at around 8:45 AM and was let inside at once. I was lucky to have my interview in the morning – when I came out of the Consulate after my interview at around 12:15 PM, I saw a long queue on the side-walk, of people waiting to simply get inside! The head of the visa division at the Consulate mentioned that they interview about 1500 people daily in Chennai alone.

For those who are not familiar with the visa-stamping interview process, this is what happens:

1. Outside the Consulate gate, a security guy checks the visa interview letter to confirm the date and time of the interview. If the date and time look okay, he lets you inside.
2. Soon after you step inside, another security person checks your bags and files, and asks you if you are carrying a cellphone or any other electronic item. Except for the wristwatch, they don’t allow you to carry any other electronic item inside. It is advisable not to carry big bags or backpacks. It is also advisable to carry all your papers in transparent folders, although that is not an absolute necessity.
3. After the security check, you stand in a line to show your papers to a clerk for verification. The papers you need to show are- the interview letter, visa fee receipt, passport, visa applications (DS-156 and DS-157) and any other papers specific to your visa type, such as work permit papers (I-797 and I-129). The visa interview guidance sheet you get at the time of taking your appointment will list all the documents you need. If the clerk finds your papers to be in order, s/he will bundle the papers together and slide a rubber band around them. S/he will then hand the bundle to you and ask you to go to the next building where the interview actually happens.
4. Once you are in the next building, you spend the maximum time (one or two hours, or more!) merely standing in a queue to meet your interviewing officer. If you don’t know English, the personnel there will guide you to a queue where interpreters are available for the interview.
5. Finally, you have the interview itself. The average interview time is 5 minutes or less. Most interviews take 3 minutes or less.

On this particular day, I arrived at the Consulate at 8:45 AM for the 9 AM appointment. By the time I faced my interviewing officer, it was almost noon. My interview time was just a couple of minutes or less. The officer wanted only three things from me: he wanted to know if I am already working in the US, he wanted to see my W-2 for 2006 and he asked me where I lived in the US.

While we stood in the queue to meet our interviewing officers, a guy named Mark, who is the head of the visa division at the Consulate gave us some tips on having a good interview. The tips he gave us were very simple and can be summarized as follows:

1. Greet the interviewing officer nicely. Be polite through the interview process, even if your application is rejected. Do not get too agitated and disturb the mood of the interviewing officer and that of other applicants there.
2. Have all your papers in order. Give the interviewing officer only the bundle of papers, which were bound by a rubber band by the clerk near the entrance to the Consulate. Do not give any other papers to the officer, unless s/he specifically asks for them.
3. During the interview, pay careful attention to the question that’s being asked. Make sure you understand the question right and answer to the point. Keep the answer short and specific.

Sounds simple enough? Yet, it’s amazing how many people don’t follow those simple tips, especially the last one. During the time I spent near the front of the queue from where I could hear the questions and answers of other applicants, I saw many people (about 50% of them) giving bad or wrong answers to very simple questions merely because they did not understand the question right. The reason for that was not anything to do with the accent of the interviewing officer or his language. The officer’s accent was quite clear and the applicants I heard were all people who knew English. It is just that due to nervousness, anxiety, or whatever, people did not understand the officers’ questions right. I could see at least one officer get frustrated for that reason. As Mark said, they interview about 1500 people per day, everyday. So, I can imagine how frustrating it must be for the interviewing officers when people who know English do not understand a question right.

After my very short interview, I went back to the hotel packed up my bags and went to my first sister’s house in Periarnagar. I had lunch there and discovered that my sister cooks much better these days than she used to when I lived in my parent’s home. Must be all the practice after being married. I managed to stay awake most of the afternoon, but when I started to nod off on the couch, I decided to go sleep on the bed. After a jet-lagged nap of almost 4 hours, my sister and brother-in-law woke me up. My brother-in-law said he would take me out. I was too sleepy to ask where, and I just went with him without even washing my face. It turned out that he wanted to take me out for dinner. But my jet-lagged system was not ready for a big dinner, after the big lunch. So, we just had some snacks, packed something to take home and returned. I stayed in my sister’s home that night.

During the rickshaw ride from the hotel to my sister’s home, and again when riding pillion on my brother-in-law’s motorcycle to and from dinner (this was in Annanagar area), I did some introspecting about my current situation. More about that in a next post.

Bangalore Notes - Feb 14th, 2007 – Meeting A & Travel to Chennai

Met A for breakfast this morning. It may be recalled that A is the girl who was introduced to my parents by our neighbors as a possible match for me. We met at the Malleshwaram 18th Cross bus stand. A had brought me a Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate – I had told her that’s my favorite chocolate. I had taken her some chocolates I had brought from the US. A wanted to visit the Sai Baba temple near 15th Cross and Sampige Road. In all those years I spent roaming around Malleshwaram, I had never visited this temple. After that, we had breakfast at Janata Hotel on 8th Cross. The hotel is well-known masala dosa, which we had. I don’t know why it is considered to be so special. It was as good as a well-made dosa anywhere in the world – in Bangalore, Singapore, San Francisco or Phoenix.

I had thought we would be able to linger over breakfast and talk, but the ambience of Janata Hotel was suitable not for sitting and talking. It was strictly an eat-quick-and-leave kinda place. So, we started walking towards another temple adjacent to 8th Cross, between Margosa and Sampige roads. I thought it was a Krishna temple and we might find some quiet spot outside the temple to sit and talk. The temple turned out to be a Raghavendraswami temple, and while we sat there, A said she wanted to go to the ISKCON temple. So, we ended up visiting the third temple in one morning!

I had not visited ISKCON in a long time, and I was quite shocked by the security checks before entering the temple. There were guards at the front gate, with guns and a dog, checking the insides and the trunks of all the cars which came in. They did not allow backpacks or cameras into the temple – these had to be left outside against a receipt, near the place where we left our shoes. After that, we had to pass through a metal detector and were then frisked by another guard. Once inside, the visitors are almost always on a path that’s well-defined by ropes, which guides them through the temples, the movie theatre the shopping areas and food vendors, right back to the place where we left our shoes.

I can understand all those checks because ISKCON Bangalore has received bomb threats in the past. Nevertheless, I did not feel good about all the restrictions and herding. That’s enough to discourage me from visiting the place too often.

A and I were able to talk for sometime at ISKCON, outside the temple. The conversation was all general, about impersonal stuff – I don’t even remember all the things we talked about. Then, I dropped her off at the Yeshwanthpur bus stand and returned home. I could not take her any closer to her house because it was getting late for me – I had to return home, finish my packing, have lunch and catch the train to Chennai in a couple of hours. I am going to Chennai for the interview at the US Consulate for my visa stamping.

I left A with the impression that she is a nice, pleasant, comfortable person to be with. But I did not feel anything particularly romantic. Given the state of my life and emotions right now, I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to feel romantic again. Perhaps, never. Perhaps it was a mistake to interact with A, meet her, and waste her time and energy. I should have stuck to my guns and not let my family push me to interact with anybody. I always regret it when I go against my convictions for the sake of other people. So, what’s new? Ugh!

It always sucks when one’s convictions are in conflict with the expectations of others – especially family, friends and those we love. Going against our convictions makes us feel weak and spineless. Going against others’ expectations makes us seem rude and inconsiderate. I hate having to deal with this nonsense, and I hate the social setup which puts people into these kinds of situations.

Travelled to Chennai by the Brindavan Express train in the afternoon. The train left Bangalore at 1430 hrs and arrived in Chennai at around 2015 hrs or so. It was a mostly uneventful journey. I talked to a lady on the train, who has recently become involved, along with her husband, in one of the countless network marketing schemes. She gave me her card and invited me to meet her husband and see a presentation about her business during my stay in Chennai. I told her that I’d call her if I could spare time, but most probably I would have no time during my short stay there. In fact, my stay in Chennai is so short, I will not even have time to visit my aunt’s (mom’s older sister) home. To her credit, the lady did not try to force me too much. If she had, I would have clearly told her that I am not interested in joining any kind of network marketing scheme. Over the past 6 years, I have met many people, including some close friends, who have tried to get me to join such schemes. I have even seen friends try their hand at it and fail. I don’t think that business is for me.

I am staying at the Days Inn Hotel Deccan Plaza in Rayapettai area of Chennai. It is a comfortable place, with good service, and more importantly, it is quite close to the US Consulate.

Bangalore Notes - Feb 13th, 2007 – Whining & Visiting

Woke up shortly after 3 AM today, although I slept well past 11:30 PM yesterday - effects of the jetlag. Try as I might, I could not go back to sleep. These lonely early mornings are the worst - the pains of hurt I caused to others and the hurt caused to my own self are felt most acutely at this time. This blog seems to be taking on a whining tone once too often these days... What I feel is many thousands of times worse than what I can express here. Words are not adequate. I am the last person to want to turn my blog into a whining forum about deeply personal things. I don't mind whining and ranting about impersonal issues though! :-) Like how not having an Internet connection at home is such a big bother!

I told my folks so many times to get an Internet connection before I came home. They don't know how essential and useful it can be. I guess I did not do a good enough job of communicating that to them. Moreover, the state of matters in the 'Silicon Valley of India' is that there is a wait of 4 months or more to get a broadband connection from BSNL, which many people claim to be the best and most dependable Internet service provider. I emailed Airtel a few days before I left Phoenix and gave them my Bangalore home address and phone number. They replied back to say they would get in touch with us, but we are yet to hear from them. I don't want to whine any more - personal or impersonal. I'll go lay down and see if I can make myself snooze a little.

I dropped in at Pankaja’s home this morning. She lives in Hyderabad now and has been staying in her parent’s house at Bangalore for the past couple of weeks or so, while her husband is visiting the US. She is returning to Hyderabad this afternoon, and I will not get another chance to meet her before I have to return to the US. I met Pankaja’s baby Siddi – she is one year and 8 months old. This is the first time that I am actually meeting a baby of one of my friends. From Pank’s home, I went to my aunt’s house – my mom’s younger sister. Her 16 or 17-year-old daughter is almost as tall as I am, and I bet she still has some more growing up to do! Can’t believe that she used to be the baby carried around in my arms and played with, not too long ago! I spent most of the day at my aunt’s, falling into jet-lagged sleep on her couch, later in the afternoon, before returning home in the evening.

Meeting Pank’s baby made me realize how far ahead all my friends have gone. They are all at the next stage in their lives – being married and about half of them already with kids. Srikanth was the last guy to marry – he got married on the 9th of this month and is honeymooning right now. Nagendra and I are the only two people in my group of friends who are yet to marry. Nagendra is probably waiting to hold down a permanent job before he finds someone to marry. As for me, I am waiting for true love.

Bangalore Notes - Feb 12th, 2007 – Bangalore Bandh

Today was the day of Karnataka state-wide bandh (which means closure of all schools and businesses), protesting the recent decision about the sharing of Cauvery river water with Tamilnadu. The bandh was mostly peaceful. There were a few incidents of people stopping vehicles which appeared to be commuting to work against the bandh call, and letting the air out of their tyres. The TV news also showed one place where a bunch of motorcycles were burnt. Apparently, these belonged to some people who had travelled to work. I feel sorry for the guys who owned those vehicles - I bet most of them are just middle-class or poor people who couldn't afford to replace the vehicles without feeling a painful pinch in their pockets. Some of them have probably not even paid off the loan on the vehicles which were burnt. And I bet, the insurance will not cover their loss. I wonder what compelled them risk things and to go out to work despite the highly emotional bandh.

I also wonder about how effective these bandhs are in achieving their objectives. Who feels the pinch of bandhs? Certainly not the state or central governments for whom it is nothing more than the loss of one day's tax revenue. Certainly neither the elected nor the unelected administrative officials would be bothered by such a loss. The people who are affected the worst by these bandhs are the who have the least power