Friday, November 21, 2008

Fights in Love

No matter what relationship you are in, there is a definite cost to fighting and arguing. This is especially true of love. Each time you argue or fight, you lose a little bit of the capital which was invested in love. Fight often and you risk losing all the capital and your love account going bankrupt! The result is a huge loss and much misery. You could be wounded so deeply that it might turn into a never-ending cycle of hurt, even if the relationship itself ends.

This might seem extremely unfair to many people, but the cost of fighting has to be paid even if the fight was caused by the obvious faults of only one person in the relationship. No matter who is at fault, the cost and loss are incurred by both. After all, the capital of love does not belong to any one person in the relationship.

So, if you are tempted to fight or argue in a loving relationship, especially over small matters, take a moment to reflect on the cost and see if the fight is really worth it. Perhaps, you are better off saving it for another occasion when there are bigger things at stake? It will help to view whatever provoked you in comparison to the bigger picture of your entire life and love.

If you find that you are fighting too often over small things, and are unable to break the pattern, consider taking a temporary break. It might seem like taking a break could damage the relationship, but believe me, the damage caused by frequent fights is bigger. If the faults / provocations are really serious, substantive and frequent, you might want to consider just ending it permanently, rather than staying in a relationship which perpetually teeters on the brink of love bankruptcy.

There are some people who actually think that an occasional fight helps to strengthen the friendship / love. This is not true. Granted that in the beginning stages of the relationship, a fight or an argument might help us realize how much we care for each other, how much we miss each other if the fight momentarily keeps us apart. But note that it merely helps us realize the love that's already there. It does not contribute anything worthwhile to the love though. If fights keep happening over a long time, it will cost for sure. No love is deep enough, no relationship is strong enough to survive prolonged and frequent fights. In fact, more the intensity of love, more the resulting hurt, and greater the damage to the relationship.
Posted by at 11/21/2008 08:40:00 PM
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7 comments:

  2. LL,
    I have lived for many years repressing things, without fighting - simply because I didn't want to rock the boat. Standing up for myself in the beginning itself would have established healthy boundaries, but I didn't. What one mistakenly thinks as patience, can be misconstrued by the other party as our being okay with something. When we finally stand up for ourselves, it becomes too late.

    So when it comes to a relationship now, I tell myself not to forget my own needs, in the zeal to please my partner. This means that I have to express it when something is not to my liking. Of course, the trick is to do it without alienating one's partner and we need to learn diplomacy lessons all our lives - unless we have a particularly empathetic partner who can disregard the tone of voice and focus on the message.

    Barring completely opposites attracting, and assuming we have some similarities with the one we love, every relationship goes through a period of adjustment. During this time, when the parties discover each other's styles, there will be fights.

    Given the passage of time, things settle down. Slowly we realize how silly many of those fights have been - but how essential they were in realizing what makes each person tick. Now we know what to avoid and what to push for. This allows for a space where both parties can be themselves. We even remember the silly fights and laugh about them....This is much like siblings who fight initially and laugh about all that when they are grown. Given the chemistry, love and commitment I believe this can happen....but there is a lot of pressure these days on a romantic partner being instantly mature and understanding.

    Of course, too much fighting/criticism without the balming effects of closeness, appreciation and quiet moments - can scar people too.

    Definitely food for thought.

    Priya.
    ReplyDelete
  3. All very valid and great points, Priya. In fact, I'd have said / written the exact same thing that you have in a different context or at a different time. But I have also seen how erosive fights and criticisms can be for the health of love and communication. That is what made me post this.

    It seems that relationships are very complex and tricky things to deal with, and need balancing like a tight-rope act. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it... especially now that I am enjoying the carefree single life! :-)
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  4. LL,
    I understand your point too - if the one person we seek validation from constantly criticizes us, we are left with no emotional shelter.

    Sometimes I think emotional shelter is a myth. A somewhat detached attitude can help whereby you don't take junk from people but are completely pleasant about it too. Set your boundaries in a firm but pleasant way.

    Reminds me of a friend's kid who simply AMAZED me. Fellow is all of 5 years old. His mom had made us pesarattu for breakfast but the guy wanted rice. I tried to feed him the pesarattu. The guy runs away from me, climbs into the topmost bunk of the bunkbed he shares with his sister, and looks at me from there. I break off some pesarattu and lift my hand towards him. He shakes his head, says "I want rice" and gives me the most disarming smile, chubby cheeks and all.

    Doesn't budge no matter what I say. Yet is completely pleasant. Knows what he wants and how to get it. What a charmer!

    Priya.
    ReplyDelete
  5. LL,
    I have been going thru a hard time with my significant other and ... he has been very patient with me ... I would constantly fight ... n hurt him and hurt myself in the process too .... But never really got to the bottom of why i was doing what i was doing ... your post made me think about it and now I kinda feel like i know why ... so ....
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  6. Another gem of a post! I do enjoy the occasional fight, I've even picked fights for the sport of them, however I didn't think much of the long term damage then. I am currently on a break from someone and realizing that the perpetual damage isn't worth it. I'm not terribly sad about that but only annoyed at myself for having wasted my time in the first place.
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  7. This is great food for thought, I am also going through a break while my boyfriend deals with some issues, of which I don't know. Anyway it has given me much time to think, and this post is making me realize how I can be more positive when we get through this.
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